Dear Parent Of A High School Senior:
Parents who went to college themselves, know that while at college, for most students what goes on in the classroom pails in comparison to what goes on outside of it. What many parents do not fully grasp is the extent to which dangerous drugs, frivolous sex, cheating and other high risk behaviors permeate 21st Century college campuses.
The Harsh Facts:
- 1/3rd of incoming Freshmen this year, will not graduate with the college class they worked so hard to get into.
- 1 in 8 will develop serious substance abuse issues.
- Most of them will deal with friends who do cocaine, ecstasy, and who abuse prescription meds.
- 80+% will cheat.
- 1 in 5 will develop STDs.
Many of these will be really good kids like yours - kids whose parents and peers, never expected they could unravel like this once they got to college. They’ll come from great high schools and have demonstrated high competence academically.
Their weakness isn’t their academic preparation, it is their Real-Life preparation.
Here’s the problem – and luckily one we can address, if we do it now:
We spend far too much time preparing our kids to get into college, and not nearly enough time preparing them for the vast majority of challenges they’ll face once they are actually at college.
My name is Jeffrey Leiken. For over 23 years now I have helped thousands of teens navigate the perils and complexities of adolescence to become mature, prepared, accomplished young adults.
I don’t teach them what schools teach them. I teach them what schools don’t.
They often listen to me when they have reached the stage where for all sorts of reasons – many of them healthy, normal developmental reasons, they won’t listen to their parents.
Teens who lack the critical skills I’ve become an expert in teaching them, typically resort to dangerous “trial and error” learning, putting themselves through unnecessary stress and taking on unnecessary risk. They often take situations that can be easily avoided or easily resolved, and turn them into complex, troubling problems.
These are the challenges that weigh most heavily on young college students.
Real Life Scenario #2:
Sasha [name changed] had a roommate Freshman year who was socially awkward. As time when on, her roommate grew more and more withdrawn. Sasha would try and connect with her, was friendly and polite, and the roommate would barely say a word to her. While it was awkward, she did her best to not let it bother her.
Soon Sasha began to notice certain things had been moved or were missing. She would turn on her computer to find that the roommate had been using it when she wasn’t around. When she confronted the roommate about it, the roommate denied having touched or used anything.
Sasha went to the RA about it, but the roommate refused to acknowledge anything to the RA. Later that night the roommate started yelling at Sasha for “spreading vicious lies and rumors” about her said “you are such a total bitch” and “it’s no wonder no one likes you.”
Sasha, who had many a number of friends by that point, was horrified. She couldn’t figure out what she had done wrong, or what to do about it. She was living with “a psycho” who hated her for no apparent reason.
Here’s another one:
Real Life Scenario #3:
Greg [name changed] arrived at college for his Freshman year. He is attending a highly prominent University that most parents would be proud to have their son attend. Three days into being there he got involved with a girl, getting drunk and “hooking-up” with her. She had a boyfriend from high school who was attending a different college 2000 miles away. Though she told Greg about him, she kept coming on to him anyway, eventually leading to the “hook-up”. Feeling guilty, the girl told her boyfriend everything, including Greg’s name. The boyfriend then proceeded to send Greg a very graphic email via Facebook, threatening to “kick his f#’n ass” if he “so much as looks at her” and not caring “who is with” him at the time.
Fortunately Greg did what most of my clients now do when they are in a complex social situation. He called me, before he responded.
The advice his friends gave him was to write a condescending email back to the boyfriend. The advice I gave him – with no hesitation and no room for doubt – was to not respond at all to the boyfriend, not to take the bait and certainly not to provoke this kid any further. There’s no telling what this clearly immature and emotional kid might actually do. “Ignore it, don’t reply at all, but save it.”
I then suggested he tell the girl about the email from the boyfriend and say, “Look you are a really cool girl, but clearly you have some things you need to sort out with this guy. I don’t want to cause any one any unnecessary problems. It’s best that we just be friends and not let that happen again. I hope you understand.”
He followed my advice, then called me a week later to thank me for it. “If I hadn’t called you and just followed my friends’ advice, I would have really screwed things up big time.”
The conversation then went to what he can learn from this, namely, don’t get involved with anyone who has a boyfriend, no matter what she says about it!
The goal for me is to use all these situations to train them to handle them on their own. It is also to use these situations to train them to avoid getting into them in the first place.
Imagine your teen participating in a conversation where that scenario – and a hundred other real life ones my clients have shared with me – gets presented to them now, long before they are in that kind of situation themselves.
The model is very simple:
- Teach them about the real life situations people their age face in college.
- Engage them in critical and creative thinking about how to handle these things.
- Walk them through the various ways to recognize them, avoid them and when necessary, to handle them.
- Teach them far more mature skills to use to ensure they thrive in college.
Here’s another:
Real Life Scenario #4:
Michael was recruited to play Division II College soccer at a prominent Liberal Arts College in the Midwest. His college in fact that year was featured on the cover of the US News & World Report Top Colleges publication.
The roommate he was assigned to Freshman year was a wild partier. At first Michael had fun going to parties with his roommate, getting drunk and just being a college student.
One night the roommate came home with a girl that he’d been seeing. Both of them were drunk. An argument ensued and his roommate verbally threatened the girl and then pushed her against a wall.
The girl left the room and the next morning the Campus Security showed up with the local police. They arrested his roommate on assault charges.
Michael was then questioned as a witness, and was told he would likely be brought in to testify if this went to trial. He was 18 years old and barely two months into college. People began taking sides and criticizing him for being willing to testify against his roommate or testifying on behalf of his roommate. He couldn’t win – and he’d done nothing wrong. The drama and association with this kid stayed with him for the remainder of the year.